Roots

I can't believe it's here. I leave in 5 days and it still feels as uncertain as it did a year ago when I began planning this adventure. I love that this trip is coming at the beginning of a new year, as if it somehow marks the beginning of a new season of its own. I am starting fresh for the first time in a while, wiping the slate clean with new people and a new place to call home for a few months.

Although I'm scared, I know I need to leave. I can feel it in my bones--this desire to to run, to stretch my legs is stronger than my fear. It is strange to crave unsettledness.

2012 was sweet in ways I could not have imagined last January. The Lord has done so much work in this little heart of mine, and I feel changed in an entire self kind of way. Rooted...Strong. Ready.

And so, God has called me on this grand adventure, far from all these things I consider comfortable. Far from where I've put down my roots. 

I spent the last week in Austin and Waco, getting filled up by the people who know me the best. There is truly nothing like leaving a place to make you realize how much of your heart other people will be keeping there. How sweet it was to be reminded of how much love I get to come home to in 3 months, to be reminded of the things that won't change within the span of a semester.

I am getting used to the idea of things here moving forward without me, and am praying that I will come home changed also.

It's when I draw too far inwardly that fear creeps in, so I am praying for vision this semester--for "the big picture" kind of eyes as I see so much more of the world and so much more of people.

There is so much waiting for me.

the greatest of these

Coming home from camp was sweet in the way that a real bed and your own shower and your mama's cooking are sweet, but bitter in the way that leaving a community and ministry like that can sometimes be. BUT the Lord is so good to me, and in reflecting on the last 3 months of the summer, I have realized how He has grown and stretched my understanding of His love.

And so, God is teaching me how to love better this summer--at camp and at home.  It sounds so simple, so childish, so juvenile. And yet, I can see it transforming every bit of me--right down to my senses. I am learning to look at, speak with and listen to others through a lens of grace. It's actually much easier this way, loving people completely. Instead of searching for the pieces of them that match mine perfectly, I can step back and appreciate the whole puzzle, the whole tapestry...layered, woven, intricate and beautiful. While it may be easy to simply accept the flaws of those I love, it's something else entirely to love them for what makes them broken and messy.

Some of my girls this summer loved and encouraged me so well, affirming all my actions and words. Others were apathetic about Christ's presence in their life and about me as their counselor. It was so humbling to remember that when I struggle with spiritual apathy, the Lord loves me perfectly all the way through that. His love is unfathomably deep and perfect and wide and unceasing, and I have access to that. Broken and sinful ME has access to the creator of love, and I have the power to pour that over every individual I come into contact with--to love them as perfectly and unconditionally as I possibly can. 

For so long, I have loved people for the way they fit me. I have always seen small bits of me in the hearts and minds of the people I am closest to, and have clung to those parts of them. (When you are a complicated and sometimes overemotional 20 year old  girl, it means when you realize God created you a little bit the same as someone else.) But it's not about that. It's about running hard and fast after the way the Lord loves us: relentlessly and unconditionally. While we can't achieve this measure of love, we must realize that our source can, and that He will meet us where we need Him to.